by Key Paul Straughan
LATE GREAT MOVIES DOUBLE FEATURE
(Opening in the style of Science Fiction /Double Feature)
In the subterranean cellars all across cis suberbia,
( b-movie sci-fi, horror and camp, oh my)
There were weirdos peering for a glimpse of queering across screens of the TV ah
( b-movie sci-fi, horror and camp, oh my)
Ah wouldn’t proclaim and Ah couldn’t name what ideas were unworthy of
( b-movie sci-fi, horror and camp, oh my)
Wee butches and fags, the lovers of drag and those torn by dysphoria,
Late Great Movies double features of crossdressing killer creatures
Let cis fiction be your teachers, and we will learn transtatic features.
Cable tv graveyard slot will not show you what you are not
Well it was 1984,
(well really it was 1989 but that doesn’t rhyme)
when channel 3 first erred the horror story
(cannibals, crossdresser and camp, oh my!)
Of how transgender whores were pimped to fluff and pump cisgender people’s borific stories
(cannibal, crossdresser and camp, oh my!)
And with cis fiction vision
its better not to transition and be imprisoned in dysphoria,
yeah its better this way
cause even folx who are gay
will try and make a whore ee of ya.
Late Great Movies double features of crossdressing killer creatures
Let cis fiction be your teachers, Cable TV graveyard slot will not show you what you are not
Your transition is your decision but always with the addition of the cis supervision.
So let’s be entertained by creatures uncanny cause nothing’s more sensational than watching T r a nnn….
PASS
(in the style of Dammit Janet)
BROCK: I mean what are you willing to do to Pass, Cass?
SASS: I mean what are you willing to do to not get clocked, Brock?
BROCK: Let’s see, I’d be willing to inject my ass, Cass!
SASS: And, me, I’d be willing to change how I talk, Brock! (alters voice accordingly).
BROCK: You don’t say, you kinda look a lesbo lass, Cass!
SASS: And you look gay like a twink without a cock, Brock!
BROCK: Well, you need to dress with feminine class, Cass, Not in plaid or short skirts to show your ass, Cass! And never ever show your balls of brass, Cass!
SASS: Oh yeah? Well, you need to butch up that walk, Brock, you should be jock and no more, frocks Brock and most of all never pick up your socks, Brock!
BROCK: You know I don’t think we’re ever going to pass, Sass, will we always just be so much gender trash, Sass?
SASS: Oh Brock cisgenderism is all just a crock, Brock, and I don’t think they can get over the shock, Brock, that a man doesn’t mean having a cock, Brock!
BROCK: Yes it really does seem rather crass, Sass, how they only care what’s in your crevasse Sass, it’s the first question cisgender society will ask, Sass,
SASS: But where’s the door upon which to knock, Brock? A place where we won’t have to be mocked, Brock, A place where identity and form can interlock, Brock?
BROCK: I’m afraid we’re at a gender impasse, Sass to get out of the gender policing morass, Sass, gender joy is just within our grasp, Sass!
OVER AT THE BEAVERDICK’S
(in the style of Over at the Frankenstein Place)
There’s a gate through which we can pass to create our fate,
There’s a gate, over at Dr. BeaverDicks medical place,
A place where we can get our genders straight,
Trust the doctor – you just know it’s gonna be great,
Over at the state-controlled medical place,
If only they decide to open the gate,
There’s a way, there’s a path, there’s a caring staff, and you only have to wait for a year and a half, there’s the gate that will open up the gender euphoric state!
THE GATEKEEPER SONG
Silence Dr. Peterpinch, you must not make our new guests tarry,
The more you talk the more our guests suspect you are very contrary,
To the things they dream and things they want we need to look the miracle fairy
Godmother godfather, with a little bother who can all their dysphoria bury
Be the Jesus Christ who can resurrect a Joseph to a Mary!
But for gods sakes be sure they don’t defect from the gender binary!
Into the arms of Morpheus shapeshifter of all dreams,
In the night and in the day on a million flickering screens,
The horns of truth or ivory gates pass through them now with me
Only you can know and you can say what the dreams may come to be…
IN YOUR PANTS DANCE
(in the style of Time Warp)
NURSE JennerTrashT: Its completely crazy,
how gender is hazy
and you can’t tell a guy from a doll,
Cissies: (doll doll)
It may make you feel tense
PASSATELLYA: as if you are sitting on a fence
NURSE JT: and you privates are all in a ball
CISSIES: (ball, ball, ball)
PASSATELLYA; and you don’t know which way they will fall
CISSIES: (FALL, FALL FALL)
NURSE JT: never fear, a solution is here,
to help you keep social control.
You can gather clues with a dance you can do
NURSE JT AND PASSATELLYA: if gender policing is your goal.
ALL: time to do the what’s in your pants dance!
Time to do the what’s in your pants dance!
Dr. PETERPINCH: (using scroll chart on side)
It’s like a dog at the park!
ALL; and you don’t even need to bark bark bark bark bark..
DR. PETERPINCH: they just sniff a bum
ALL; and they know where you ‘re from from from
be it Mars or Venus
Do you or don’t you have a penis?
Do you or don’t you have a penis?
PASATELLA: wait a minute girls and boys
now you need to avoid
just acting like a dog in the street
So no sniffing between the cheeks to find the ganders and geese
You need a dance that’s more discreet!
Come on everybody lets move our feet!
(Exuberant Unprofessional Police Themed Tap Dance)
DR.PETERPINCH: Cock your head to the right
ALL: and screw your eyes real tight
DR.PETERPINCH: throw your arms in the air
ALL; and wave like you’ve had a fright
DR. PETERPINCH: and with this distract
you can check how pants are packed
ALL : that’s how you do the what’s in your pants dance!
that’s how you do the what’s in your pants dance!
PASSATELLYA: what if it doesn’t work and you look like a jerk and you don’t know which way to go
What’s in your underwear is not my affair but I really weally whole lotta just gotta know.
DR.PETERPINCH; in that case, you put your hands on your hips
ALL: and stare real hard for tits tits tits tis tits
DR.PETERPINCH: Then you slide to the left
ALL: And do a vulval cleft detect
Then you flap your wings and they won’t suspect a thing
That’s how you do the what’s in your pants dance!
that’s how you do the what’s in your pants dance!
This may all make you frown but we must look down if we wanna use the right pronoun!
SISSY CIS CROSSDRESSER
(in the style of Sweet Transvestite)
Dr. LeSteaméFrank:
Oh excusezmoi , my little swoon, has shocked the room, but you mustn’t think that I’m a goon, though inopportune, you’ll find me a boon when I explain with this simple tune, hit it quelqu’un!
Did someone call, in the midst our ball, for some medical assistance,
I see you’ve met,
the gender trash staff
and there’s no resistance to admittance.
Please don’t let
My toilette,
Put you at a distance,
I may not seem
Le crème de la cream,
But I am the best medical mind in existence!
I’m sissy cis crossdresser
From cissexual
Victoriana!
Oh it’s really a bore,
To look like a whore,(SASS : its all been done before…)
It seems it has been done for ages,
Just put on some lingerie, leather and studs and we’ll whip you in cages,
It’s really just a yawn, I like to put some layers on
because petticoats are truly outrageous!
I’m sissy cis crossdresser
From cissexual
Victoriana!
When it comes to feminine tease,
Well Désolé mes amis,
your cliché’s no longer please,
Is it really such a hustle,
To put on corsets crinolines and bustles? (Stop Music Here For Difficult Costuming)
I’m sissy cis crossdresser
From cissexual
Victoriana!
Ecoute mon frere
The eighties are here
And we ve seen mothers underwear!
To truly be a doll takes a veil and parasol
And don’t forget chapeau tall tres above it all
I’m sissy cis crossdresser
From cissexual
Victoriana!
There’s no way to mistake,
a hen from a drake
When you are dressed as such a fancy finery,
So put your trust in me
And soon you will see
I can move you across the gender binary!
(whispers and if you don’t like it, you can kiss my hienery)
SASS: While you are exibitioning, shouldn’t you be listening to your clients’ goals for transitioning?
BROCK: Dr. we require a little more of ya for we don’t share your euphoria in being queen Victoria, crossdressing can’t cure dysphoria.
LeSteaméFrank:
Why don’t you come through my gates,
Just see what awaits,
I got something special in store for ya
I know better than you
What we can do
To cure that pesky dysphoria….
Chant ALL CISSIE STAFF:
oh the antici—–pation,
for the pop pop popular imagination
Of gender trans—–for—-mation
Soap Opera—nation, wants trans mute – tell – a tion
What a sensation, cisgender glory hole fication
For mutual master —bait –tion
FEMININE AD VICE
If you’re going to become a woman, well you better do it well,
With a teeny weeny waist and curves with all the right swell
If you want to be a woman, fine you’d better look fine,
With nails and eyes and hair and smiles with just the right shine,
If you wanna be a dame dear, it’s gonna cost you dear,
Plastic surgery for your face and some laser for your rear,
SASS: Wait a minute, this is not what…
Certainly, you do and certainly you’ll need surgery,
Because what’s between your legs determines your her or he…
THE TRANS MAN SONG
If you want to turn from a duchess to a duke,
Just cut your hair, get a tracksuit and don’t forget the toque. Tada!
WE HAVE NO TRANS TROPES TODAY
(to the tune of We Have no Bananas today)
Yes we have no transgenda. We have transtropes nor cliches
We give you perverts and cannibals,
And panic over genitals
and cisgender discomfort all-day
we have an old-fashioned gender reveal
and girls who cant quite look real
But yes, we have no transgenda, we have no trans trope or cliches.
Trans people may be nuts
But we help them sort whats what
By ignoring every single word they say
We have a hundred red herrings
To stop a pussy from ballbearing
But yes we no transgenda, we have no trans tropes nor cliches!
THE GATEKEEPER SONG REPRISE
NURSE JENNERTRASH, NOW REVEALED AS MORPHEUS SINGS :
Silence Dr. Peterpinch, you’ve done enough to make our guests tarry,
The words you pass from out your ass are no more than diversionary.
It is just as well that you return to hell with your lessons in vocabulary
And where you there please take care your stereotypes to bury
Cause Jesus Christ we don’t need to resurrect a Joseph to a Mary!
But for God’s sake what’s more in 1984 it time to bury the gender binary!
Into the arms of Morpheus shapeshifter of all dreams,
In the night and in the day on a million flickering screens,
The horns of truth or ivory gates pass through them now with me
Only you can know and you can say what the dreams may come to be…
SINGING TO SASS AND BROCK:
The ivory tower of the privileged and the ivory gates were you’re caught
form deceptive screens of deluded dreams and pictures that come to naught
the path to transform is through inner gates of horn
formed of self awareness inborn
Its all Greek to me, how you just can’t see
that horn means true fulfilment and ivory means to deceive.
Quite simply said, there’s more to metamorphosis than penises and clitorises
It is always concerning the discerning of the heart and the head.
OVER AT THE BEVARDICKS /THERE’S A GATE
REPRISE
SASS AND BROCK:
There’s a gate through which we can pass to create our fate,
There’s a gate, that opens up the moment that we dictate.
What we desire of our own estate
not being determined as a neonate
but deciding for ourselves how life is shaped,
They blocked the way as a babe when they spanked us on the ass and told Mom and dad we were a lad or lass,
but we won’t be forlorn cause we can always be reborn and dream anew me and you until all our dreams come true.
We found the key, you and me and we won’t just dream we’ll be and just live our identity.
Find the key to the door and we won’t be anyone’s whore!
No more dreams anymore to the tune of someone’s else score,
A life worth living from your core is what you are made for
Euphor
Euphori
Euphoria!
A KICKLINE MAKES IT FINE
A kick line isn’t campy and it also isn’t gay, but even if it is you know that’s quite ok
Cause a trans man can date whomever he feels and he can wear a feather boa and kick up all his heels,
hit it homos!
When transphobias getting you down, and rampant cisgenderism making you frown,
One thing will make it fine and that’s a kickline!
When your parents disown you and your bank won’t loan you,
One thing will make it fine and that’s a kickline!
When cis folk intrude with their questions quite rude,
One thing will make it fine and that’s a kickline!
When going around the bender with your tenth misgender,
One thing will make it fine and that’s a kickline!
If you don’t like this show because your cisgenderism blows,
One thing will make it fine and that’s a kickline!
When you’ve lost your smile because you’re cisgender fragile,
One thing will make it fine and that’s a kickline!
If you’re mad about this show and you just wanna go,
One thing will make it fine and that’s a kickline!
What will make it fine?
One thing will make it fine and that’s a kickline
One more time
One thing will make it fine and that’s a kickline
Big climax now!
One thing will make it fine and that’s a kickline!!!!!
Almost there!
One thing will make it fines and that’s a mother -no wait a father -no wait a parent- fucking kickline!
